So it’s kind of fabulous that suits exist out there that tuck in and suck in parts of us we may not be so proud of.  Spiegel sells a line of clothes and swimwear by ShapeFX, and they are fabulous, kind of. You would think that Spiegel would think that their ShapeFX consumers are smart, but one look at their website shows how gullible we can be.  All of the “control” suits are modeled by women who weigh 125 on a bad day, with PMS, soaking wet.  OF COURSE they are going to look good in a swimsuit,  you are basically wrapping a skeleton in spandex…no lumps or bumps there. Where are the models that resemble “real” women that can suffer from Muffin-topitis and BackFat-erosis?  I’ll tell you….NOT in Speigel.

Because I was sick of suits that made me look like a bottom heavy pear, I started looking for something more, as I put it, sucky-inny. I purchased one of these suits and I love it!  It is cute, adorable and you burn off about 100 calories just trying to get in the thing, but you don’t feel like a beached whale.  You can move on the beach and not feel like you resemble Homer Simpson on a trampoline and no one has any idea that it’s made with “power mesh.”  [As an aside, I would think they could think up a description better than "power mesh" because to me that sounds like some kind of construction element....the concrete is reinforced with power mesh.]  Anyway, I’m just annoyed that for some reason they can’t find chubby models for their layouts or they just don’t care to because the women in their ads are DEFinitely not the average size 14! Phew, I’m done now.

By the way, here is my suit on someone who needs to eat a burger!

I understand that out there in the world today there are millions of college kids with nothing better to do than download and share pirated music which in turns costs the millionaire bands/singers to lose money (boo hoo for them).  If a company decides to do something about it, fab-oo, but Apple is just doing the opposite.  In my view, they are GIVING people a reason to download illegally (please don’t sue me for that statement).

First example, in the middle of a “recession” they decide Steve Jobs needs a new stash of sneakers so they raise the price of a song on iTunes from $.99 to $1.29.  For even the law abiding college students this must have caused a few to go to the “dark side.”  If you think about it $1.29 is at least a load of laundry (or, realistically, a couple cheap beers) and what college kid doesn’t need their share of clean underwear (aka beer).

My newest discovery which inspired today’s rant is that you can only make iTunes out of songs purchased from said music player.  Why does this piss me off you may ask?  Well, being the law abiding citizen that I am, I have purchased my share of CDs (real legal ones) numbering in the many, many…tens.   And I’m pretty sure that when I coughed up the $14.99 for the CD that cost $.01 cents to make, I get rights to the music to some extent.  I’m not going to use a song from the CD for the opening credits of a blockbuster or play it as my theme song (which would NOT be Baracuda), I simply want to load it on to my APPLE iPod or my APPLE iPhone or my APPLE iMac to enjoy.  But the second I try to make a ringtone (for my APPLE iPHONE) out of the music from the PURCHASED CD, iTunes tells me that it can’t be done because it wasn’t purchased through iTunes.  Really Steve?  Really?

With all of the computer nerds out there you think someone would have written some hidden code that could be embedded in to REAL CDs so that when someone uploads them to a music player the songs act like 16.5 year olds caught in the act and scream “We’re legal.”  But why would they do something normal, fair and common sensical as that?  Because obviously Steve Wozniak needs new streamers for his Segway.

"WHhhheeeee"

1. This car climbed Mt. Washington bumper sticker

When I was growing up it was common practice to see this form of laminated graffiti on the junkiest of junk boxes passing for cars. It was a way for the driver to show that they knew that at any minute their car could fall apart but yet it could still triumph a force of nature. Perhaps the sticker was holding a vital piece of car to the frame Back then you would never see such a thing on any car made within the last 10 years. But lately I have only seen the stickers on newer, shiny, highly capable cars. These autos have no right to brag about their skills to climb the fabled Mount. Some of the models probably even have some kind of auto pilot that operates the car while the driver sits back and enjoys the soundtrack the rangers provide. Perhaps it is a city mouse’s way of saying “see I saw nature once and the proof is on my bumper!!”

2. Baby on board suction cup signs
Why do these people find the need to advertise their ability to procreate? Do they really think that having this novelty on their window will make people drive any differently? If anything it is just publicizing the reason why their driving is atrocious and it gives me a reason to pass you at the first chance I get!

What I realized is, my Godson will never know what a cassette tape is unless he visits the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, he won’t grow up watching shuttle launches (unless he is a fan of space tourism) and he will probably NEVER have to pump gas.  Please tell me I am not the only one who is weirded out by this!?

Think about it, kids born in 1992, can vote!  [Hold on a sec, staving off some lightheadedness....annnndddd we're good]. They can’t spell without Word’s help, but they can decide who is the leader of our country.

Kids born in 1994 can drive.  To show how scary that is, these kids were born in to a world where the 3 of the Top Ten songs for the year were by Ace of Base!  (The Sign, All That She Wants, Don’t Turn Around) If I saw that sign, this girl would definitely want to turn around!

So I have come up with an idea. The wearers (or non-wearers, depending on how you look at it) of the pants-below-the-boxers are asking to be looked at.  They are advertising things that should only be seen in the privacy of their own home.  What they should do is use that advertisement for good, not for evil.  If Victoria Secret can put Pink across butts everywhere and its accepted, why can’t we adapt the practice to boxers?  If they guys are single, maybe put their phone number across their bottoms.  Perhaps if they are unemployed or looking for more money, sell the space for advertising.  I don’t doubt for a second that Geico would slap on a BUMper sticker (that was bad, I know).  All I’m saying that if they are going to make us look at their derrieres make it interesting/memorable….in a GOOD way.

Billboard: a large sign-like display to promote goods

So whose bright idea was it to put an advertisement for the Perkins Braille & Talking Book Library on a billboard. The promotion is neither in braille nor is it talking! Plus, blind people shouldn’t be driving, let alone driving AND being distracted by a billboard. It’s like advertising DEAF on the radio…it doesn’t make sense. You might be saying well someone will see it and tell a blind friend about it. Hardly anyone pays attention to billboards (except if you are at a red light) and by the time the person gets home, there is barely a chance they will remember the billboard, let alone any of its information. Maybe the advertisers at DEAF should hire the marketing manager from Perkins!

A week ago the amount was $30 million, so I’m thinking it would be fair if he gave away $15 million to charities or to those in need. Because we all know he’s gonna be making some millions from a book deal or two and I’m sure he will have another show at some point. Although I guess he has to pay for all of his hair gel and skinny ties!

Now, when my dad decided to bring in goodie bags for all of his little goblins, he was told to take out all of the candy. It’s a peanut free school.  WHAT?!  What have we done over the past generation or two that has made kids so allergy-ridden?  I say, when a kid can eat solid foods give him a scoop of Jif peanut butter to build up his tolerance.  Why does EVERY kid need to suffer when ONE kid has an allergy.  Literally, there is one kid in the entire school that has the allergy, but God forbid (it’s a Catholic school so that’s fine to say) the other kids benefit from a teacher’s generosity!  The candies were individually wrapped then put in plastic goody bags and sealed and were going to be given out with the instructions to be opened at home.  I think the kids should have a choice.  If they wanted a goody bag then they should be offered the chance to take one.  Just because there is a possibility that a piece of the individually wrapped, then bagged, then sealed candy might have been processed in a plant with nuts, all the fun is taken away.  So keep the allergic kid home from school that ONE day…I’m sure he/she knows how to work an Epi-pen by now.  (Too harsh?)

So I say, let’s go back to days of yore with Paydays, and Snickers and Peanut M&Ms and bring on the apples from the old ladies…because in those days the razor blades wouldn’t ruin Halloween for everyone!

For a scary costume...stick one of these on your kid!

 And just so you know, I’m aware that some kids are so allergic that they can’t even walk by peanuts and I’m sure it is an AWFUL allergy to have, but I don’t see why the other kids need to miss out!

What turned my stomach was seeing a commercial for The Jack5ons: A Family Dynasty on A&E.  One of the clips is all the remaining brothers (Jermaine, Tito, Jackie, Marlon, Donatello, Michaelangelo, Donner, Blitzen) getting out of a limo in some tacky black suits and shiny satin shirts smiling for paparazzi, loving the limelight.  Earth to the Jackson family….no one cares about anyone besides Janet and Michael (unless you want a psychic reading from Latoya)!  At the funeral everyone and their moms asked “Who the heck is Rebbie?” and where did they keep her all of this time…rundown Neverland?  Just because you were in the headlines for a few weeks (remember? your brother died? ringing any bells?) doesn’t mean you are now the “it” family again or that people want to know about your secret lives.

Now if you did this while all of the Jackson 5ers were still with us, you would have a true audience.  Now though, the show will be like a car wreck, something you don’t want to watch but can’t take your eyes off of.  I feel bad for the Jacksons for the tragedies that have fallen on their house, but I think it’s disgusting that they feel the need to line their pockets from death.  Am I a little harsh…why yes I would say so.  Would I say this if any of the Jacksons came knocking on my door, probably not.  Would I ask what brand of shellac Jermaine uses to keep his helmet hair in place, absolutely!

A few months ago I really hurt my wrist and was told to avoid the gym at all costs (more or less) little did I know how much avoiding the gym was going to cost a pretty penny.  For four months now I have been back and forth with WOW!s financial company ABC.  And even though they see I am trying to cancel (and have notes to prove it) they are still charging me.  And of course they don’t do anything faster than trying to make molasses move in winter. 

 I fax something over and then call to see if they received it “yep, everything looks fine,”  then I get a letter in a WEEK saying that everything is not fine and by the way you owe us more money for next month.  OK, I refax with the changes they request and when I call I make sure they actually read the documents..”this should fix it” they say.  Great!  Two weeks pass in a flash and I’m thinking I have finally canceled my membership when wouldn’t you know I get ANOTHER letter.  FREAKIN A!  Now instead of just a doctor’s note describing the injury, now all of a sudden the note needs to say I have a ”substantial or permanent disability.”  Yet my contract said a doc’s note would suffice.  Maybe the whole  ”substantial or permanent disability” small type was in invisible ink because it certainly is NOT in my contract.   And because ABC is technically a different entity I can’t get the satisfaction of going somewhere and yelling at someone, unless I want to fly to Podunk, OK.  Which at this point is sounding pretty good!!!!!! So now not only do I owe my membership fees but late fees as well because they drag their feet like they are in lead shoes. 

Just so you know, I called two days ago and Chevelle said she would take care of it and was super sweet.  Then the mail comes today…guess who I got a letter from?  ARGH

Just say NO to WOW!