“The point is it’s terribly insensitive and incendiary.”-Guiliani (aka Capt. Obvious)

For those of you missing the humor in this: Mr. Webster of the Dictionary Websters defines incendiary as “involving deliberate burning of property.”

Why yes Mr. Guiliani, one could also say it is “igniting” discussion or it is the “burning” topic of the day.

Ah…laughter at the expense of politicians….it’s a beautiful thing!

P.S. I know that incendiary also means “causing trouble”, but that definition isn’t half as fun!!

While temping this morning I reached a lull in activity and my inquiring mind felt the need for stimulation.  So I reached for some reading material, namely the MSDS collection for all of the chemicals used on site.  For those of you who haven’t been lucky enough to have to read an MSDS (Material Data Safety Sheet), it is a multi page document that outlines various properties of a specific substance, usually of the hazardous variety.  Some of the items are: Handling and Storage, Health Effects, and First Aid Measures.

So I was a little taken aback when at the end of the Isopropyl Alchohol MSDS I found a “Taste” descriptor.  Huh? Who is the poor schmuck that had to taste Rubbing Alcohol and decide it has a taste that one would describe as “Bitter (slight)”?  And in order to get the slight rating were there multiple tastings?  Is it a swish and spit technique like in a wine tasting class or is it more of the tip of the tongue technique like the cops do to see if a powdery substance is coke? 

Of course there is always some worst job out there (namely ANYTHING on Dirty Jobs) but I’m thinking of a position like the one this guy holds.  Maybe he should take a swig of Isopropanol at the end of the day….

How many of you reading this have something hanging from your rear-view mirror? Raise your hands. (If you actually raised your hand, proceed with another dope slap). I’m guessing that a majority of you have some personal totem dangling when you drive, I do too. Who thought this up is my question? Did they find the view from their windshield extremely disappointing so they felt the need to “spruce” it up? Or maybe the sight of children chasing balls in to the street or a dumb pedestrian jaywalking wasn’t distracting enough so they needed something else moving (and sometimes sparkling) in their peripheral vision…who knows?

I do get a kick out of some of the items though. The Russian Roulette of all items being the HIGHLY reflective CD. On a sunny day these drivers risk blinding themselves or another driver when sunbeam meets the spinning mirrored surface. Smart. Why don’t we just hang a mini-lighthouse from the mirror so at least you can predict when you will be blinded?

If you know any “old Italians” then you have seen the hanging crucifix. Somehow I don’t think there is much protection in the cheap plastic Jesus beads you can get at Oriental Trading and this particular trinket isn’t going to ward off theives either, but who am I to judge. Each “group” seems to have their own quirky adornment. Italians (depending on age) have the crucifix or some kind of gorno. Puerto Ricans have something with the PR flag on it. Buddhists have some type of prayer flag or happy Buddha. Indians have the scented crown (maybe that’s just taxi drivers in general). Asians usually hang something red and gold that has at least one tassle on it. Women between 17-25 can range from a plastic lei (they don’t even remember it’s origination) to a bff/bfs picture to something saying “Diva” or “Princess.” Men usually just have the plain ol scented tree. Then there are the handicapped that are the worst of all with that HUGE and hideous plastic plaquard that shares reflective properites with the CD (I can say that, because I’m related to handicapped people…that’s the rule right?).

As for me, I have a dolphin that goes from clear to purple in UV light (from the aforementioned handicapped I might add) and a silver dangly thing with little charms on it. I guess that puts me in the 25-30 range, keychains or stuff from kids (which in my case are canine).

Since I have been considered one of the guys by almost every male friend I have ever known on top of my last company being all male except yours truly, not many topics surprise me. Everything has been talked about at one time or another: rashes to odors to “conquests of yore”. I believe one of the favorites was the reverse cowgirl, but that is a whole other story.

So color me shocked the other day when a topic was on tv that I had yet to even imagine. I am ashamed to admit that I had the Tyra show on in the background as I was playing darts and thanks to her my corneas are seared. So the main topic was “love and sex” or something on that path, which I thought was totally normal for a topic for a supermodels talk show. They covered the replacement hymen, transgender surgery and then….crushing.

The first thing that probably sprung to mind was a crush in the sense of “gee he is sure dreamy” and picturing your wedding. I WISH that was the topic.
The story was of a man, about 5′ 6″ and 150, and his wife, about 5′ 8″ and 450. It turns out that the hubby love when the missus “crushes” him by any means. And those means are her sitting on him, falling on him, and/or jumping up to land on him. Awesome, whatever you do in your private time is your business. Too bad they didn’t keep it private.

They were so uh proud (?) of their method of foreplay that they provided a tap of their fav act. That’s right kids, visual evidence of the man being crushed by his wife, in bed, in small clothes (she had on a sports bra and shorts and I really couldn’t see much of him). Not once mind you, but the producers showed it 8 times. And yes I watched because I was intrigued by two things: how proud she was of her body and how he was still alive and not paralyzed.

Am I being judgmental, sure. Do I care? No. But I can’t help but think of the whale that jumped and landed on the boat and snapped the steel mast….

I shall spare you the mental stream that led to this post, just go with it.

If whites hate non-whites they are racists.

If brunettes hate blonds, are they hair colorists?

If those who wear clothes truly hate those who are “clothing optional”, are the haters nudists?

I hate the gym, so that automatically makes me a gymnist (see that play on the word right there?….GENIUS)!

Now please go forth and ponder……me!

• all of your friends become realllllly fertile and pop out kids like it’s the new trendy thing
• everyone you know is either VERY lucky in love (aka married) or extremely bitter
• you start getting the “so sad” looks when someone asks if you have a boyfriend and you say that you are single
• you start looking at “careers” instead of “jobs”
• when in the grocery store you actually look at the brand and compare prices
• you talk to your neighbors about the little “twits” causing trouble in the neighborhood. Those “twits” are really 10-12 years old
• when the kids you once babysat for have graduated college
• you realize that kids born today will NEVER know what a cassette is

So yes, I am at THAT age, when you realize:

• everyone was right when they said college goes by “wayyyy too fast”
• that it is OK to live with your parents because you realize free rent is the best rent
• I would MUCH rather have pets than kids
• that you can quote from Thundercats, Care Bears, and Saved by the Bell and laugh and feel superior when the “twits” don’t know what you are talking about

and finally…

• you use quotations marks any chance you can get!

I don’t need to have laser bolts shoot out of my eyes, the ability to freeze time, or even be able to move things with  my  mind (although that would be AWESOME), now a days I need something more practical.  A skill that can be used in every day ventures, so an adamantium skeleton is out.  I’m going retro with my preference, I want what Mary Poppins has got.  Yeah, don’t deny it, she’s gangsta’.   I want the whole package…well minus the grubby chimney sweep boytoy and the corset and maybe I would change the voice of the annoying parrot umbrella to James Earl Jones.  But yeah…everything else I’ll keep.

Let’s review:

• she’s practically perfect in every way
• no matter what medicine you need to take it will taste like rum punch
• she can fly…or at least float
• if she wants to go on vacation she just jumps into a chalk drawing (her carbon footprint must be NIL)
• she has talking penguins as friends that serve tea
• and my favorite….the snap thing

The very practical, very useful “power” of the snap.  Might I be influenced by the present state of my closet (which is practically empty because my clothes are everywhere else)? yes. But think of how much time you could save when cleaning, if you could just snap and :poof: everything goes where it belongs?  The clothes and towels would fold themselves, the floor would be swept and your bills filed, all while you are sipping your tea.  The only drawback is that you would get really fat, huge even.  Because instead of cleaning your house, you would be sitting on the couch with your bon bons and tea and sliding (instead of walking) up the stairs and floating (not biking) to the store/mailbox.  If you don’t watch it and exercise once in a while, one day you try to slide up the staircase but instead you bust the banister.  But at least then you can fix it in a “snap!”

why 10-4 as a closing and not 12-3?

why can’t I get the 4 clocks in my kitchen to show the same time?

who thought Jamie Foxx being a singer was a good idea?

why do groups of newborn kittens/puppies, catbox gravel and trash on the highway all go by the name litter?

who invented “the skeleton” as a sport?did some gravedigger discover how “fun” it was to strap some old bones to his chest and slide down a snowy hill face first?