Questions unanswered
why is it that after a person goes food shopping and you get hungry…is there never anything “good” to eat?
why 10-4 as a closing and not 12-3?
why can’t I get the 4 clocks in my kitchen to show the same time?
who thought Jamie Foxx being a singer was a good idea?
why do groups of newborn kittens/puppies, catbox gravel and trash on the highway all go by the name litter?
who invented “the skeleton” as a sport?did some gravedigger discover how “fun” it was to strap some old bones to his chest and slide down a snowy hill face first?
The irony is deafening
Let me set the scene. I drive home via the same street every night from class. When you are familiar with a certain route, some details of your surroundings tend to get lost. I remember seeing a certain billboard a few weeks ago, but I don’t think I read it or at least I didn’t pay attention to it. So color me surprised when I was stopped at a red light and re-read the billboard.
Billboard: a large sign-like display to promote goods
So whose bright idea was it to put an advertisement for the Perkins Braille & Talking Book Library on a billboard. The promotion is neither in braille nor is it talking! Plus, blind people shouldn’t be driving, let alone driving AND being distracted by a billboard. It’s like advertising DEAF on the radio…it doesn’t make sense. You might be saying well someone will see it and tell a blind friend about it. Hardly anyone pays attention to billboards (except if you are at a red light) and by the time the person gets home, there is barely a chance they will remember the billboard, let alone any of its information. Maybe the advertisers at DEAF should hire the marketing manager from Perkins!
This ain’t your grandma’s V-Day!
Around this time of year blog postings and magazine articles tend to fall in to two categories: whining about being single or applauding the life of coupledom. This is neither. Am I single…yes. Would I like to have a “Prince Charming”…sure. Am I going to wear black all weekend and drink myself into a stupor at some point….wellll. It’s not that I detest Valentine’s Day, because I don’t. I just don’t get it. Some people call it a Hallmark holiday that exists only for consumerist purposes, and I tend to agree. Everything in the news promotes giving gifts and shopping and giving gifts..oh and shopping for chocolates. On February 11th roses cost $11.99. On February 12th, $39.99. That doesn’t make much sense to me? And you’ll notice that the box of chocolates that once held 20 pieces of candy all crammed together, now hold ten pieces that have plenty of cushion room.
I think I was born in the wrong era. The time when people put thought into the day. Where Stop & Shop didn’t need to have an express line on Sunday morning for flower purchases. Where did the days go that a gentleman would come to your door all dressed up to drop off one rose or a handwritten poem (no matter how bad the rhyme scheme was)? Why were simple actions like offering an arm, tipping a hat, etc exchanged for a spending competition and a reminder in a cell phone? I won’t even jump on the “you should tell people you love them every day not just on February 14th” train. So if sometime this weekend when you are rushing around for a last minute gift or card, and you happen to stumble over a time machine….wrap it in red cellophane and send it my way!
bloop: insert factoid here
You know what I miss? PopUp Video. That’s right and I’m not ashamed to admit it. I enjoyed the music videos with the heinously annoying sound effects and the obnoxious bubble with useless facts. For those of you unenlightened folks, the long and short of it can be found here.
It ran from 1996-2002 and it was glorious for socially capable nerds like myself who didn’t turn into zombies the second VH1 was on. And I can only assume that the geeks that thought up the concept have something to do with all of the contest and Viagra pop ups (no pun intended) windows on your computer. You could learn how many hours Boy George spent in the makeup chair, is that Lionel Richie in the “Beat It” video, and how to so white trash in Norwegian (moldbo-from “Take on me”). You know…the useful stuff!
All I’m saying is, that since kids are spending hours in front of the TV and video games ANYWAY, bring back the pop ups! In Halo, throw in some military history. In MarioKart, the lifespan of a Venus flytrap. And in Resident Evil, the nutritional value of eating human brains. Just think, pop ups could lead to a smarter human race where the kids who sit in their moms’ basements getting a UV burn from their monitors are actually the cooler members of society. Right, and Hell with freeze over. So go make a Facebook group, hang a banner, start a petition, but damnit man….give me back my pop ups!
Minivan does not equal coolness
Being a twenty something single girl I don’t “get” minivans. I just think that the car companies should be making them a little better looking than what is out there today. Seeing families with 3+ kids I understand the purpose of minivans, but even if a brand spankin’ new one showed up in my driveway as a gift from the car gods, I wouldn’t take it. In my experience the inside of new minivans already smell like cheerios and stale apple juice. If Glade bottled it the name would probably be “Essence of minivan.” So the other night I’m driving down the highway and what blasts past me? A white minivan with windows tinted as dark as ebony. So my mind goes down two roads.
First, the soccer mom behind the wheel (I’m assuming since I couldn’t see in) wants to show her kids a minivan can be cool so she tried to make it look like those cars in the rap videos. But I doubt Escalades have hide away storage, 312 cup holders and old fries under the seats.
Second, and the more realistic reason in my little world, the person behind the wheel is just so embarrassed by driving said white minivan they are literally hiding from other drivers. His/her shame is so deep that they spent hundreds of dollars to hide their identity from their fellow commuters on the highway. Alas, they are actually getting a different result because their pimped out fun bus attracts more attention that a fun bus without tinted windows. My mind now wanders to what the same way it does when I pass a limo…who is in there, where are they going?
Let’s face it people the last time vans were considered cool they had Pink Floyd tributes painted on the side and a mattress in the back with a “Don’t come a knockin’” bumper sticker. OK so maybe they weren’t cool, but the drivers were proud to be behind the wheel.
So if you drive a minivan…OWN IT. Be proud of your kid toting, drool soaked, soccer ball carrying vehicle…and please don’t tint the windows!
My questions for the day…
If you are in the military and get a wedgie, are you allowed to adjust?
If cheerleading is both a noun and a verb why doesn’t anyone say “I want to cheerlead!”
Why do motorcycle cops still wear the funny pants with the puffy sides?
If every addiction has an anonymous group…is there a facebook users anonymous?
With all of the chemicals, how does gum have an expiration date?
If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
If funeral homes smell like flowers, then do florist shops smell like funeral homes?
Grandma is dead and his Mom is a tramp…
Here’s a thought…Christmas Carols are from Satan. Well maybe not penned by the evil master himself, but if you really listen to some of the carols there are some sick and twisted messages. Two prime examples: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. At first listen they are the songs of old we all grew up with. But have you ever actually LISTENed to the words. My aim is not to ruin them for you but I find it funny that we or rather I had never realized what we were lip syncing for all these years.
So first we’ll look at Grandma. She’s sloshed out of her mind off of spiked egg nog when all of a sudden she forgot her heart pills and heads out into the storm. Well of course no one else in the trailer home think to go for her or follow her so what happens? Well of course she gets run over by reindeer!! Then Gramps returns to drinking and debating on opening her gifts (which were probably a heating pad, rolling pin and liniment). Way to be in the Christmas spirit guys! But hey at least they believe in a jolly old guy that surrounds himself with midgets and at least one reindeer with a nuclear schnoz.
Now we move to adultery and its effect on children. Ah, the good times. So this little brat of a kid decides he is going to sneak downstairs and razor blade open some gifts (I’m taking some liberties here). What does he find but his mommy dearest making out with some bearded stranger in a red velour pimp suit. And what does this disturbed child do but sit there and ogle his mom tickling the strange man. Because that is normal. I’m thinking that this kid knows what’s best for Christmas and he has a plan. If he is smart he’ll take pictures and every December 1st mail them to Santa in an unmarked manila envelope as a reminder of his tarnished image and the kid will be set for life. Coal for Santa, Lexus for lil Timmy.
True, Grandma could have left her glasses in her trailer with her medicine and got lost and perhaps Timmy’s mom and dad were looking to add some fun to their dull, loveless marriage, but really folks? I think we all know what’s going on here. These are blatant confessions of true events! Personally, I think Dominic the Christmas Donkey knocked over Grandma and took Mrs. Claus hostage forcing Santa to hit up Timmy’s mom for extra carrots! I’m a genius!
Blink and it will be Christmas….
Already it seems like Thanksgiving was 300 days ago and that Christmas is in 3 days. It’s sad really. What happened to the time when we couldn’t wait for Christmas to come? When the anticipation for the tree and gifts and feast seemed too much to bear? Would we make it? Now all of that wonder has been replaced by stress, anxiety and packed malls. But here is my theory. Time is not moving faster. Try wrapping your mind around that one! But seriously….information is moving faster not time.
Ads are everywhere. It seems that Christmas trees are in the stores on July 5th and out of the store on Dec 20th, that fruitcakes have gone the way of the dodo (not that anyone misses THAT tradition) and that instead of the thought you put into gifts what really matters is the price. But I digress…five years ago there were no phones with ads on them, no video billboards on (and IN) cabs and we were all a little happier. So in the spirit of recapturing the childhood joy of Christmases past (and in honor of a Dr. Seuss themed baby shower over the weekend), here is my view of the ad infestation…
I will not view them on a train
I despise to see them in a plane.
I will not have them on my cell.
I wish they all would go to hell.
I mute commercials all the time,
to make every politician be a mime.
I would rather ride a bucking bronco
Than see one more Lexus with a bow.
I’d rather have back my Christmas cheer
Than stand in line for Uggs footwear
I miss when Santa did exist
cuz now traditions are dismissed.
To these feelings I hold steadfast
Oh how I miss Christmases past…
A happy moment
When a girl says she has a happy moment, most people think of retail therapy or ponies or sunflowers, not this girl (well yesterday anyway). I was driving to my Mecca, the Christmas Tree Shops, wondering what junk I will discover that I all of a sudden NEED to have, when a figure on the side of the road caught my eye.
From a distance it was a young man in all black clothing carrying a book. As I moved closer I was taken aback by his appearance. He was no more than 15 in a well pressed black suit and an ice blue tie, carrying a Bible walking to/from church. He made me smile.
I’m not a deeply religious person so my delight was not in the fact that he practiced his religion, rather it was in the fact that this child took time and effort to make time for himself. He wasn’t in sweats playing video games or on his cell outside of a 7/11 somewhere, he was literally living for the day. You could tell he wasn’t dressing to impress someone, you could see he had respect for himself in all the little details that would usually fall by the wayside. His suit was spotless, his shoes were shined and his face was serene. I don’t know his name or his story, but I do know he gave me hope that there are good kids out there who still respect the ways of tradition and find meaning in the world around them.
