With a Hint of Sarcasm » Misc

This one’s for the guys…

Amanda — Sat, 19 Jun 2010 14:53:53 +0000

Men always go on and on and on about how they don’t understand women and women always go on and on and on about….shopping. I totally admit that we XX folk are enigmas, no denying that. We could tell you our secrets or show you our handbook, but what fun would there be in that?! As with any species, there are variations among gender. For example with males, there are metros, the guy’s guy, the sports nut, the Mr. Fix It, the Bad Boy, etc and at some point every guy thinks he is every one of those examples. But there is one thing that I have never been able to figure out…

Why do men ALWAYS get out of the car when they are at a gas station!? So I have some theories:

Their backs are screwed up because one of their butt cheeks is propped up by a file cabinet (aka wallet) and they need to stretch it out.
They are hoping that the “new mechanic” will turn out to be this girl and they are just showing their manners.
Their windows don’t roll down and they have gas.
Or you could go the whole showing dominance over the pump jockey route (because you are bigger, stronger and more manly even though you are driving your wife’s VW bug)

I’m just really hoping that evolution doesn’t bring this habit to the point where men get out and pee on their car to show it’s theirs. You’ll understand once you watch this…

British names are fun to laugh at

Amanda — Wed, 12 May 2010 14:15:30 +0000

Names are funny. Who hasn’t heard the urban legend that a woman who just gave birth to twins didn’t have any ideas for names so she called them OrangeJello and LemonJello…uh huh sure and I’m about to grow wings. Yesterday on Millionaire, the player was Skip Fillers which sounds more like a motto for a hot dog company than a “singing interior designer.” But nonetheless whenever we hear a funny name we always giggle to ourselves. So this week when I started my temp job, for a Japanese company I thought I was going to be in for a tongue twister or two. Come to find out that there is another gentleman that has a name which is common in his homeland of England, but elicits giggles here in America. So please enjoy the following story, followed by my point.

My day started off with a request to page John, giggle giggle. Little did I know that my day would be filled by bumping in to John or calling John, because it turns out John is very talented. John has a British accent and is very sneaky. All of a sudden John has the tendency to be behind you and you would never know it. Besides the ninja skills, John is very nice and oddly quiet. Last night I almost closed the door on John as I was leaving, boy would that have hurt!

Now replace John with Hiscock and reread the story…giggle giggle

Seems to lack common sense…

Amanda — Mon, 12 Apr 2010 14:00:42 +0000

One of the first emergency techniques we are taught as kids is Stop, Drop and Roll during a fire. We are taught that if we find ourselves in a smoky room to crawl around to find exits. More or less, it is common sense. If heat rises, so does smoke so you want to be as close to the floor as possible. Here’s what I don’t get. If we are supposed to be on the floor looking for a way out, why are Exit signs always above the door, where smoke would cover it? I have been fortunate enough to never be in any kind of fire situation but I would think that you don’t want to be squinting through layers of thick smoke looking for a possible glimpse of a lit Exit sign. So perhaps the best idea is to put a backlit or reflective exit sign at knee height. It may not be pretty or match every décor, but if you are stuck in a fire I doubt you want to be thinking “Oh shucks if only I didn’t worry about that sign clashing with my paint color or worry about nailing a sign in the door I would be able to find my way out.”

Dog Walk: A Poem

Amanda — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 20:04:13 +0000

I am no Miss Maya Angelou

and walking dogs is what I do

outside was bright

no sign of white

Bibidy Bobidy boo

So off we strode

Down Playstead Rd

And there was a woody trail

So me and the girls

walked by water that whirls

and in a few steps we did fail

See we didn’t look

when we walked by the brook

and Luna walked right into thorns

You see she couldn’t untangle

Herself she started to strangle

until I could get her leash free

But that’s not the worst

Of this walk that was cursed

Wait til what happened to me

We took but two strides

when the dogs did decide

to yank me off path to the right

And when I looked down

Oh man did I frown

for I stepped in a pile of shite

El Fin

Power trip=pace car

Amanda — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 01:25:01 +0000

Let it be known that I have NEVER watched more than 2 laps of a Nascar race, now will I ever. Besides the occasional crash all it is is a group of people who can’t take right turns. Left, Left, Left, Left. Lather, rinse, repeat. To some people, this is a hoot. I am just not one of those people. The one reason I would ever even attend a Nascar race, to drive the pace car.

Sure, most people would say they wouldn’t pass up the chance to drive a race car, but since I don’t know how to drive stick, I want to be in the pace car. There is no bigger power trip in sports. In front of millions of people, you drive a car that would normally get you made fun of on the streets. But not here. Throngs of drunk, wife-beater wearing, tan line showing fans start to hoop and holler as you make your lap. Sure as the race goes on, the fans continue to scream but as the beer continues to flow the rest of the race becomes a blur. Your lap in the pace car is more or less the one lap they will remember of the entire race, or at least be able to call to memory.

In your rear view are the best racers on the circuit and they can’t do a damn thing until you get off of the road. Each car has like a bazillion horses waiting to be freed but there you are in front of them in a car any member of the Geek Squad would be proud of, taking your time…pacing yourself if you will. Throw in an iced coffee and some tunes and you got yourself one a Sunday drive even Miss Daisy would be proud of!

I found a flaw with my fone!

Amanda — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 15:34:04 +0000

It’s true my friends, I have found a flaw with my iPhone. For some reason, the sun of California must have made the iPhone inventors sun-centric, because they did not take into account the cold evenings in December in New England. If they had put down their frisbees and taken off their sunglasses long enough they might have seen some temperature maps of the country and noticed that the whole country isn’t always 70 and sunny.

Now to my point, there is no hand-related way to answer the phone in the winter. If you have gloves, no matter how thin, you can not slide the little button across the screen. I found this out the hard way. I’m driving and my phone starts ringing. With my gloved hand I take it out of my purse and attempt to answer it. Boy did I feel silly when I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to take my glove off and drive at the same time. So I did what I had to do, used my tongue. Yes, creepy people, I used my tongue as a finger. I had tried my chin but that wasn’t working. And it worked like a charm! But I was/am still annoyed that now I am going to have to cut the right pointer finger off of every glove so that on the rare chance that someone calls me, I can answer. Or perhaps I should move to Hawaii!

Outlets….they’re a funny thing….

Amanda — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 01:27:31 +0000

And while electrical outlets are wacky looking, those aren’t the kind of outlets I was talking about. I’m talking about shopping outlets, specifically Wrentham, but I’m sure that my astute observations apply to any outlets out there.

The other day the ladies and I drove the 45ish minutes out to the Wrentham Premium Outlets. The stores are normal every day stores, but its like a strange force takes over your body. When you park the car you expect it to be like any other day in the land of retail. But the second you open your car door, something changes. All of a sudden your price reality goes from normal to something resembling a compass in the Bermuda Triangle…wacky. Because you are at the outlets you think every purchase is a “steal.” The sweater that was originally $59.99 marked down to $39.99 but isn’t worth $15.99 on a good day, is all of a sudden the Holy Grail of your day. Now normally when you saw the same sweater on sale in the non-outlet store you wouldn’t even think of paying $39.99 and would consider the price highway robbery. But not today, no siree Bob, you are at the outlets and there is a $20 discount so it is a must add to your Christmas shopping list.

So here is my conspiracy theory (that I don’t believe but helps me justify my overspending), there is an invisible dome over the outlets that holds air with some kind of chemical that shuts off the part of your brain that controls spending urges and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy when you see a good discount on a tag. I’ll admit, I fell for it and I’ll fall for it over and OVER again. After all, the magical chemical made me wait in line at the Coach outlet, spend 45 minutes inside in sweltering heat listening to the incessant buzz of “isn’t this to die for?” in about 15 different languages…but I had a 20% coupon and I’ll be damned if I was going to let it go to waste!

More comfort please

Amanda — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:17:52 +0000

Today I find myself sitting at the dmv waiting to renew my license. First let me share my shock of having to pay $75 for a license that they didn’t even spend the effort on reminding me I need to renew. Before I leave my house I check online to see what the waiting times are and boy was I surprised when it was a 46s wait in Wilmington. Of course by the rime I get all gussied up and get to the place the wait has inflated to 27 minutes. I’m just thankful that I am not facing the hour plus wait predicted in revere.
Now, to get me to my point… This DMV is well lit and clean which is a huge change from 5 years ago! The one thing I have to gripe about is the uncomfortable seating. When you think about it the DMV isn’t a place you are in and out of Ina jiffy. It is a known fact that you shouldn’t plan to spend less than 30 minutes waiting. So i sit my butt on one of the benches to assume the waiting position and what do I find? The epitome of uncomfortable seating! Well I’m sure sitting on a flaming cactus would probably be more uncomfortable what are the chances of you actually sitting on one. Walking in I would have assumed that all the butts that have planted on these benches would have worn away some kind of molded butt impression but no. (no pun intended) I can’t understand why the DMV wouldn’t invest in comfier benches knowing that people will be spending a good amount of time on them. I’m not saying they need to recline and massage just something a little squishier. They can rest assured that people won’t want to hang out because they are comfortable. Just think of the increase in smiling faces and pleasant interactions…cus when someone’s tush is happy they are happy!

Why is pet food flavored?

Amanda — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 21:44:29 +0000

Poached salmon, beef stew, country cookout…why do people buy “flavors” for their pets? I must admit, I have not lost sleep over this question. In fact it never even crossed my mind until a day ago when I saw the kitten cleaning herself after she had her dinner. Without getting in to too much detail, she was cleaning her kitty behind licking away with reckless abandon. Here is the stream of consciousness that followed: I wonder if she knows that tastes bad…do cats have taste buds…do they even care what they are eating…if she is content cleaning herself (and by content I mean not gagging) then why the heck do we think she prefers flavored food? Please tell me there aren’t human testers…END

I guess there area a couple angles to the answer.

1. Pets like a change from “butt” flavor

2. Flavors make us convince ourselves that we are not feeding our animals Flipper or Mr. Ed

3. It is just a come on by the pet food industry

While we all know the true answer is probably number 3, I would like to think it is really number 1 (which is kind of gross in itself). Next time you are scooping “Whitefish Delight” or “Turkey Meatloaf Dinner” into Fluffy or Bruiser’s bowl, take a moment to reflect but please don’t sample!!

Time for a change…I need your help!

Amanda — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 01:27:29 +0000

I’m going to break from my usual wittiness to ask for your help. This may be a long entry so get comfy!! You see a few months ago my company had the audacity to up and go bankrupt (THE NERVE ) but it was really something we saw coming for a while. I had the great idea to hastily pull together an application for grad school. At first glance the program had me written all over it! In ONE year I would have a Master’s in Psychology, the school is close enough to commute and I could study anything I wanted as a thesis. But now, I find that most of that was skewed by my rose colored glasses. The truth is it is more or less a pre-PhD program. The title “general psychology” is a misnomer to a T. Instead of “general psychology” it should be called a degree in “research, statistics and more research with no opportunity to pick any other classes besides those which are required and oh yeah, you aren’t going to learn anything you aimed to learn.”

To some research is a fabulous pastime full of statistics and hours in the lab and library all to solve for one answer. Research is a)not my strong suit b)not want I want to go on to when I graduate and c)not really teaching me any of the subjects I want to learn. I will admit that because the heavy math focus is out of my normal bubble that I would learn something. There ain’t no denying that, but the issue is, do I want to? I am now at the point in my life when I can grab my future by the horns and make of it what I WANT not necessarily what it should seem to be. So why is it such a big decision when in essence the answer is either stay or go? Why is it so hard for me to say “You know what, I’m not learning about the topics I thought I was going to…so I’m out of here?” I don’t know the answer. So here is my dilemma, I have made lists upon lists of reasons to stay and go, but there isn’t a majority on either side. I am literally STUCK in the middle. If I stay, I will struggle with 2 semesters of statistics and 1 of methods, not learn about social psychology, spend time on a thesis which I doubt I will ever use again and be miserable for a year. On the other hand if I stay: I will have a Master’s in one year, will learn things I never thought I would and meet some interesting people. But because there isn’t a “wow” reason on either side of the coin I am in a state of limbo that occupies my mind every minute of every day.

I recognize that I am scared of what could be if I stay. So I want to make sure that if I leave, I don’t leave for the wrong reasons (because of what other people will thing, because it’s too much work, etc). But if I stay I want the feeling to be 100% (which nothing besides death is). I really am at a crossroads where one direction leads me to walk over hot coals while writing 4 research projects and juggling knives while the other direction sends me down an emotional and occupational gauntlet while I am set on fire. NOW do you see why this isn’t easy!? Not to sound cocky, but I know that I am smart and I got in for one reason or another, but that isn’t good enough for me for some reason. ARGH is all I have to say!! So to sum up what is going on in my head: it’s like I’m spinning and spinning and then I stop but my eyes are still googly and no direction seems to be the right one and I feel like I’ll fall if I take a step in any direction and there is no one to blame but me and yet no one to catch me. Sounds dramatic, but I think it’s a good description!!