Here’s a thought…Christmas Carols are from Satan. Well maybe not penned by the evil master himself, but if you really listen to some of the carols there are some sick and twisted messages. Two prime examples: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. At first listen they are the songs of old we all grew up with. But have you ever actually LISTENed to the words. My aim is not to ruin them for you but I find it funny that we or rather I had never realized what we were lip syncing for all these years.
So first we’ll look at Grandma. She’s sloshed out of her mind off of spiked egg nog when all of a sudden she forgot her heart pills and heads out into the storm. Well of course no one else in the trailer home think to go for her or follow her so what happens? Well of course she gets run over by reindeer!! Then Gramps returns to drinking and debating on opening her gifts (which were probably a heating pad, rolling pin and liniment). Way to be in the Christmas spirit guys! But hey at least they believe in a jolly old guy that surrounds himself with midgets and at least one reindeer with a nuclear schnoz.
Now we move to adultery and its effect on children. Ah, the good times. So this little brat of a kid decides he is going to sneak downstairs and razor blade open some gifts (I’m taking some liberties here). What does he find but his mommy dearest making out with some bearded stranger in a red velour pimp suit. And what does this disturbed child do but sit there and ogle his mom tickling the strange man. Because that is normal. I’m thinking that this kid knows what’s best for Christmas and he has a plan. If he is smart he’ll take pictures and every December 1st mail them to Santa in an unmarked manila envelope as a reminder of his tarnished image and the kid will be set for life. Coal for Santa, Lexus for lil Timmy.
True, Grandma could have left her glasses in her trailer with her medicine and got lost and perhaps Timmy’s mom and dad were looking to add some fun to their dull, loveless marriage, but really folks? I think we all know what’s going on here. These are blatant confessions of true events! Personally, I think Dominic the Christmas Donkey knocked over Grandma and took Mrs. Claus hostage forcing Santa to hit up Timmy’s mom for extra carrots! I’m a genius!
