Pet first aid in a pinch
To know me you must love my dogs. If you are like me your dogs are like family. But unlike humans, dogs/pets can’t convey what’s wrong when they are sick or hurt. You just see it in their eyes that something is not right and you try to do a little bit of everything until you find the problem. When big things happen you don’t hesitate to go to the vet, but when you know its something small and don’t want a hefty vet bill in your future, then there are some fixits you can do from home.
For example, today me and the girls went for a nice walk (nice meaning freezing and windy) with nothing out of the ordinary happening. When I let them back in to the house I hung behind in the front hall to hang up my coat. When I then went in to the kitchen there was red all over the floor. Since one of the girls is a lab I just thought she got a hold of something red and squirted it everywhere, I was only half right. It turns out that on our walk the cement ground down her trimmed nails to the quick making her bleed every time she took a step. For amateurs you might try to wash it and bandage it. Fat chance that bandage will stay on her feet and not in her mouth. Smart dog owners have styptic powder to stop the bleeding but…I didn’t.
So here’s a handy dandy trick. Flour does the same job as styptic powder for small cuts. So I put about an inch of flour in a container and dunked her paw in it. The bleeding slowed and I dunked again. Voila…the bleeding stopped. And because she was licking up some spilled flour she didn’t even notice my highly technical procedure.
Another tip is hydrogen peroxide. When the pup has eaten something highly toxic…sayyyy a bar of Dove soap (which isn’t so pure when it comes to a dog’s digestive tract) and you want her to puke it up, feed her some hydrogen peroxide. Of course if you don’t know what she ate its always best to call your vet, but if you are missing a bar of soap or a whole chocolate cake you can help the pup feel better. For a small dog, administer about a cap full. For a larger dog, around 2 Tbs is the correct dose. It tastes icky so you may need a syringe to make a direct path to the throat and wait. It should take 5 minutes or less. If he/she still isn’t better after puking, ring the vet.
I wish I could take credit for these medical discoveries but alas the credit goes to my (aka my dogs’) vet who understands that even though when it comes to our pets our hearts are full, sometimes our wallets are not.
I found a flaw with my fone!
It’s true my friends, I have found a flaw with my iPhone. For some reason, the sun of California must have made the iPhone inventors sun-centric, because they did not take into account the cold evenings in December in New England. If they had put down their frisbees and taken off their sunglasses long enough they might have seen some temperature maps of the country and noticed that the whole country isn’t always 70 and sunny.
Now to my point, there is no hand-related way to answer the phone in the winter. If you have gloves, no matter how thin, you can not slide the little button across the screen. I found this out the hard way. I’m driving and my phone starts ringing. With my gloved hand I take it out of my purse and attempt to answer it. Boy did I feel silly when I realized that there was no way I was going to be able to take my glove off and drive at the same time. So I did what I had to do, used my tongue. Yes, creepy people, I used my tongue as a finger. I had tried my chin but that wasn’t working. And it worked like a charm! But I was/am still annoyed that now I am going to have to cut the right pointer finger off of every glove so that on the rare chance that someone calls me, I can answer. Or perhaps I should move to Hawaii!
Grandma is dead and his Mom is a tramp…
Here’s a thought…Christmas Carols are from Satan. Well maybe not penned by the evil master himself, but if you really listen to some of the carols there are some sick and twisted messages. Two prime examples: Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus. At first listen they are the songs of old we all grew up with. But have you ever actually LISTENed to the words. My aim is not to ruin them for you but I find it funny that we or rather I had never realized what we were lip syncing for all these years.
So first we’ll look at Grandma. She’s sloshed out of her mind off of spiked egg nog when all of a sudden she forgot her heart pills and heads out into the storm. Well of course no one else in the trailer home think to go for her or follow her so what happens? Well of course she gets run over by reindeer!! Then Gramps returns to drinking and debating on opening her gifts (which were probably a heating pad, rolling pin and liniment). Way to be in the Christmas spirit guys! But hey at least they believe in a jolly old guy that surrounds himself with midgets and at least one reindeer with a nuclear schnoz.
Now we move to adultery and its effect on children. Ah, the good times. So this little brat of a kid decides he is going to sneak downstairs and razor blade open some gifts (I’m taking some liberties here). What does he find but his mommy dearest making out with some bearded stranger in a red velour pimp suit. And what does this disturbed child do but sit there and ogle his mom tickling the strange man. Because that is normal. I’m thinking that this kid knows what’s best for Christmas and he has a plan. If he is smart he’ll take pictures and every December 1st mail them to Santa in an unmarked manila envelope as a reminder of his tarnished image and the kid will be set for life. Coal for Santa, Lexus for lil Timmy.
True, Grandma could have left her glasses in her trailer with her medicine and got lost and perhaps Timmy’s mom and dad were looking to add some fun to their dull, loveless marriage, but really folks? I think we all know what’s going on here. These are blatant confessions of true events! Personally, I think Dominic the Christmas Donkey knocked over Grandma and took Mrs. Claus hostage forcing Santa to hit up Timmy’s mom for extra carrots! I’m a genius!
Outlets….they’re a funny thing….
And while electrical outlets are wacky looking, those aren’t the kind of outlets I was talking about. I’m talking about shopping outlets, specifically Wrentham, but I’m sure that my astute observations apply to any outlets out there.
The other day the ladies and I drove the 45ish minutes out to the Wrentham Premium Outlets. The stores are normal every day stores, but its like a strange force takes over your body. When you park the car you expect it to be like any other day in the land of retail. But the second you open your car door, something changes. All of a sudden your price reality goes from normal to something resembling a compass in the Bermuda Triangle…wacky. Because you are at the outlets you think every purchase is a “steal.” The sweater that was originally $59.99 marked down to $39.99 but isn’t worth $15.99 on a good day, is all of a sudden the Holy Grail of your day. Now normally when you saw the same sweater on sale in the non-outlet store you wouldn’t even think of paying $39.99 and would consider the price highway robbery. But not today, no siree Bob, you are at the outlets and there is a $20 discount so it is a must add to your Christmas shopping list.
So here is my conspiracy theory (that I don’t believe but helps me justify my overspending), there is an invisible dome over the outlets that holds air with some kind of chemical that shuts off the part of your brain that controls spending urges and makes you feel all warm and fuzzy when you see a good discount on a tag. I’ll admit, I fell for it and I’ll fall for it over and OVER again. After all, the magical chemical made me wait in line at the Coach outlet, spend 45 minutes inside in sweltering heat listening to the incessant buzz of “isn’t this to die for?” in about 15 different languages…but I had a 20% coupon and I’ll be damned if I was going to let it go to waste!
Blink and it will be Christmas….
Already it seems like Thanksgiving was 300 days ago and that Christmas is in 3 days. It’s sad really. What happened to the time when we couldn’t wait for Christmas to come? When the anticipation for the tree and gifts and feast seemed too much to bear? Would we make it? Now all of that wonder has been replaced by stress, anxiety and packed malls. But here is my theory. Time is not moving faster. Try wrapping your mind around that one! But seriously….information is moving faster not time.
Ads are everywhere. It seems that Christmas trees are in the stores on July 5th and out of the store on Dec 20th, that fruitcakes have gone the way of the dodo (not that anyone misses THAT tradition) and that instead of the thought you put into gifts what really matters is the price. But I digress…five years ago there were no phones with ads on them, no video billboards on (and IN) cabs and we were all a little happier. So in the spirit of recapturing the childhood joy of Christmases past (and in honor of a Dr. Seuss themed baby shower over the weekend), here is my view of the ad infestation…
I will not view them on a train
I despise to see them in a plane.
I will not have them on my cell.
I wish they all would go to hell.
I mute commercials all the time,
to make every politician be a mime.
I would rather ride a bucking bronco
Than see one more Lexus with a bow.
I’d rather have back my Christmas cheer
Than stand in line for Uggs footwear
I miss when Santa did exist
cuz now traditions are dismissed.
To these feelings I hold steadfast
Oh how I miss Christmases past…
