Time for a change…I need your help!

I’m going to break from my usual wittiness to ask for your help. This may be a long entry so get comfy!!   You see a few months ago my company had the audacity to up and go bankrupt (THE NERVE ) but it was really something we saw coming for a while.  I had the great idea to hastily pull together an application for grad school.  At first glance the program had me written all over it!  In ONE year I would have a Master’s in Psychology, the school is close enough to commute and I could study anything I wanted as a thesis.  But now, I find that most of that was skewed by my rose colored glasses.  The truth is it is more or less a pre-PhD program.  The title “general psychology” is a misnomer to a T.  Instead of “general psychology” it should be called a degree in “research, statistics and more research with no opportunity to pick any other classes besides those which are required and oh yeah, you aren’t going to learn anything you aimed to learn.”

To some research is a fabulous pastime full of statistics and hours in the lab and library all to solve for one answer.  Research is a)not my strong suit b)not want I want to go on to when I graduate and c)not really teaching me any of the subjects I want to learn.  I will admit that because the heavy math focus is out of my normal bubble that I would learn something.  There ain’t no denying that, but the issue is, do I want to?  I am now at the point in my life when I can grab my future by the horns and make of it what I WANT not necessarily what it should seem to be.  So why is it such a big decision when in essence the answer is either stay or go?  Why is it so hard for me to say “You know what, I’m not learning about the topics I thought I was going to…so I’m out of here?”  I don’t know the answer.  So here is my dilemma, I have made lists upon lists of reasons to stay and go, but there isn’t a majority on either side.  I am literally STUCK in the middle. If I stay, I will struggle with 2 semesters of statistics and 1 of methods, not learn about social psychology, spend time on a thesis which I doubt I will ever use again and be miserable for a year. On the other hand if I stay: I will have a Master’s in one year, will learn things I never thought I would and meet some interesting people. But because there isn’t a “wow” reason on either side of the coin I am in a state of limbo that occupies my mind every minute of every day.

I recognize that I am scared of what could be if I stay.  So I want to make sure that if I leave, I don’t leave for the wrong reasons (because of what other people will thing, because it’s too much work, etc).  But if I stay I want the feeling to be 100% (which nothing besides death is).  I really am at a crossroads where one direction leads me to walk over hot coals while writing 4 research projects and juggling knives while the other direction sends me down an emotional and occupational gauntlet while I am set on fire.  NOW do you see why this isn’t easy!?  Not to sound cocky, but I know that I am smart and I got in for one reason or another, but that isn’t good enough for me for some reason.  ARGH is all I have to say!!  So to sum up what is going on in my head: it’s like I’m spinning and spinning and then I stop but my eyes are still googly and no direction seems to be the right one and I feel like I’ll fall if I take a step in any direction and there is no one to blame but me and yet no one to catch me.  Sounds dramatic, but I think it’s a good description!!