One of the horrors of summer…
That’s right kids, summer is right around the corner. It’s paying us a temporary visit today with the mercury reaching 90, but hopefully it will return to the south for a few more weeks. And what comes out in the summer? The flip flops, suntan lotion, shorts, and of course warm weather wouldn’t be complete without out of shape shirtless male retirees.
I swear AARP put out a notice this weekend that said if you are over 60, pasty white and out of shape…go out and mow your lawn. I’m sure they are in two camps. The first is: I’m old and it’s hot so I feel the need to mow shirtless. The second is: I’m hot and the ladies want me so I am soooo mowing shirtless.
Unfortunately for me, the gentlemen on my street belong to the second camp. I don’t know about all the other ladies out there but I am not about to throw myself at a sweaty retiree with socks up to his knees and a belly that makes it look like he is 6 months pregnant. Take a minute and picture that…..I’ll wait. Done? Good. Now do what I did and shake your head relentlessly trying to get that image out of your memory. You can keep trying but it doesn’t go away, trust me!
So to all those guys out there who may not be in prime condition, take a page from Jack Black’s fashion book…
Every body is doing it…
It’s natural, something we all do, but never really think about. The need to go is known by many names: Pee, wee wee, number 1, etc. So if everyone is doing it, why don’t we think/talk about it? Maybe we just take it for granted. I am as guilty of avoiding the topic as anyone who reads this, that is until today.
We were sitting on our deck, which is completely screened in, enjoying the summer weather when a gigantic bee decided to pay a visit. This bee was the size of a toe and it just kind of hung out on the screen. But, as is always does, nature called. The bee peed on the screen! No discretion, no performance anxiety he just let it all go, literally. His bee juice filled three squares of screen, which in terms of everyday things isn’t that much. But think about it, a bee isn’t that big and a bee’s bladder is probably the size of a pin head. So Mr. Bumble must have had at least one pair of his legs crossed to hold it in long enough to let it go on the screen. Afterwards, he just flew off like nothing happened to continue pollinating and making honey. Then we all realized, we had never seen a bee pee. Which got me to thinking, I don’t think I ever realized that bees pee. (RANDOM FACT: A fly pees every time it lands.)
Now one thing that I don’t think has ever crossed my mind is bee pee. As fun as it is to say out loud, it’s not a normal topic. It’s like freckles, you never think of them, but they are always there. Everyone pees, except Jack Bauer because when you’re saving the world there is no time to find a bathroom, so it’s not a new and novel idea. But I still think it’s weird that because it’s a fact of nature our minds assume it to be (no pun intended) true until we actually see it.
Does Sally really need 17 types of blue in her crayon box?
I am the first to admit that my mind is a little twisted, there is no denying it. So it didn’t surprise me when I was looking at paint samples the other day and had a thought. Who would look at a suffocating baby, a blue baby, and think “what a lovely color, I think I shall name it baby blue!” Or what artist was working in the slaughterhouse when he discovered a new tint of red, oxblood? I was struck at how creepy these names are when you actually put thought into it.
Then I realized that baby blue was one of my favorite crayons when I was little. I think they may have changed it to something more neutral like cornflower, perhaps for this reason. I approve of Robin’s Egg Blue for the sole fact that a robin’s egg is blue, if it was dead robin’s egg blue well that’s just nasty.
Then there are the politically correct crayons: peach instead of flesh and chestnut instead of Indian red. Why don’t they change Jungle green (sounds so wild and native) to the more tame Rainforest green? Then there are other colors that just don’t make sense: Razzmatazz, Timberwolf, and Purple Mountain’s Majesty. Let’s make it easy on all the kindergartners out there and call them what they are: raspberry, light grey and light purple. With some of the names it sounds like Crayola is marketing to the very restricted market of Fine Art PhDs (if that even exists)! Maybe it IS just me, but I can’t see Sally asking Billy the Paste Eater to pass the Raw Umber wax writing utensil. What the hell is raw umber anyway, it sounds like a blister…”I have this raw umber that just won’t go away.”
Did you know there are 8 different crayons with orange in the name (including yellow orange and orange yellow), 7 with yellow and 11 crayons with green and 17 with blue in the name (and yes there is a violet blue and a blue violet)? There are about 133 different ways to confuse a kid. No wonder they color outside the lines, they are under too much stress!!
In my opinion, which is all that matters, all of this fancy naming crap started with Mr. Indigo in ROYGBIV. No kid knows what indigo is…it’s dark blue, but ROYGBDBV doesn’t have the same ring to it, now does it?
Rain lowers your intelligence
We all learned in grade school: April showers bring May flowers. So it’s a known fact that there is a lot of rain in April. We’re in New England so we should be thankful it’s not snow, but I digress. Most people assume rain is just water droplets falling from the sky. Little do they know that this wet projectile has some magical powers, it cuts your IQ in half specifically when it comes to driving.
In very rare cases people are immune, but that is VERY rare. We’re probably talking a lefty with one blue eye, one brown eye and a limp. Anyway, whether it’s in buckets or simply a sprinkle, people get stupid. They start to take illegal left turns in front of a State Trooper (and yes he got bagged), they lose all fine motor functions (it must have taken the cashier 10 minutes to separate plastic bags), and they say dumb things.
Perhaps when it comes to driving their is a rash of bad wipers so people can’t see “no turn” signs or that little red car patiently waiting to merge. Maybe the winshield wiper industry was hit hard by cutbacks before this whole economy went in the toilet. The fine motor skills example seems to apply to all the casheirs except mine and to ladies with nails longer than their fingers (but I think their issues aren’t weather related). Now the last one, ugh.
I think our speech “batteries” run on Vitamin D because when that sun goes in, our language skills start to dwindle. For example, there was a customer in front of me scheduling an appointment for their dog and he said his name was Jack, the groomer responds…my dog’s name is Jack. Now what is he supposed to say to that? Its not like you compared him to someone famous like Jack Nicholson or to your best friend Jack Daniels, no you compared him to your four-legged pet! (Nonetheless he politely responded “oh yeah?” and that was the end of the chit chat.) Then there was the girl in Michael’s who used uh and um every third syllable when she answered a customer’s questions. They both need a session in a tanning booth…STAT.
So here is an easy assumption to make…Hilo, HI residents=stupid but those in Yuma, AZ=wicked smaht! I should probably take this chance to remind you that nothing…absolutely nothing in this entry has any scientific basis. So if you are a teenager writing a report on weather and you are stupid enough to copy this, you MUST be in a rainy city!
Dunkin gives back…but not a lot
It’s no secret, I love DD. So I was psyched when I heard that they were offering small iced coffees for $.50. I thought sweet, I’m hitting up every one in MA (I only went to two though). When I went in to the store, there was ONE tiny ad tent on the counter advertising the special. When I finally reached the counter I was able to read the ad. Only then did I find, in VERYsmall print that some of the proceeds are going to Home for Our Troops, an organization that builds and modifies homes for severely injured veterans. Only 10% of each sale is going to the charity.
I think it’s great that a large corporation is drawing attention to a worthy organization and cause, but nonetheless I think they went about it the wrong way. First of all, it seems that they are being greedy but with a sugarcoated facade. I would think, or at least hope, that if more people knew that proceeds from this special were going to a special cause, people would make a special trip to contribute. Or maybe even putting out a collection bucket on the counter would draw even more contributions and create more awareness.
Let’s remember that in 2006 DD made $4.7 BILLION in regular day to day sales. My thought is that they could spare more than 10% of sales from this one day promotion if they wanted to do better things. I would guess that they clear a pretty profit from each coffee sold, so why not suck it up and shave off a little of the profit, let’s say half of their $.50 special, and contribute that? I sincerely doubt that they would have to close up shop the next day.
I’m not going to preach about how veterans need help, the war, the effect the economy has on everyone etc. and I don’t like to speak negatively about my precious dealer, nonetheless everyone needs a little help, both financially and emotionally. So I applaud DD for it’s efforts in helping people do a good deed, I just think they could have done more.
Keeping recipes at hand
EVERY time my father goes to make a special soup (i.e. pea soup, lobster bisque, french onion) the hunt begins. Not for any obscure ingredient or cooking utensil, but the recipe. Oddly, each and every time my dad swears that it is on yellow paper and he “just saw it a few days ago.” Riiiighhhht, it would be easier to just go to a cookbook or computer and print out a new recipe, but nooooo. That would be a culinary sin of sorts. According to him, his recipe is different and better and “he just saw it.” After about 10 minutes of my father tearing up the kitchen, my mother reluctantly joins in. Two minutes later, the folded, wrinkled, stained recipe is found and the cooking commences. Needless to say this gets old pretty damn fast.
I could have just put all of the handwritten recipes in a binder or folder, but that wouldn’t be fun and wouldn’t be an obvious place to look. So I found TasteBook, a service that allows you to design your own cookbook. It was like the clouds parted and the choirs started to sing, I found a solution to our annoying recurring issue. I hastily ran to the kitchen, well I walked swiftly, and gathered up any old crappy piece of paper that resembled a recipe. About an hour later I had finished my masterpiece, a cookbook with all of our favorite recipes on nice clean pages in a colorful binder. All in all, the cookbooks cost $19.95 each, but it was sooooo worth it.
Gone are the countless hours looking for wrinkly recipes, the tornado that was my father looking around and now our favorites recipes are just at our fingertips. Is $19.95 kinda pricey for a cookbook, yup, but everytime my father gets an idea to cook, I just realize that I bought back 15 minutes of our lives.
As a thank you for reading, here is our recipe for French Onion Soup….just don’t print it out on yellow paper!
3 Tbs butter (plus a little more)
3 large onions-thinly sliced
1Tbs flour
½ Tsp salt
Ground black pepper
5 c beef broth
4 slices French bread
4 Tbs grated Parmesan cheese
4 Tbs grated Swiss cheese
In a heavy pan melt the butter, add the sliced onions and cook slowly (stirring occasionally) until golden.
Sprinkle in the flour and stir for a few minutes.
Season with salt and pepper.
Add the broth, stirring constantly.
Bring to a boil, lower heat and let simmer partially covered, for 30 minutes.
Toast the bread in oven until brown.
Place in oven proof bowls.
Preheat broiler.
Sprinkle the breat with Parmesan cheese.
Pour soup over the bread and top with Swiss cheese.
Brown cheese under broiler and serve immediately.
Caffeinated Driving on a Budget
This might come as a surprise to you, but the economy is in tough times. I know, I know, maybe you should sit down. I tend to ignore the TV news because of all the doom and gloom, so I would like to shed a little sunshine on your lives. Today, I have two tips for living on the cheap: one to satisfy your cravings and the other to get you where you need to go.
As previously documented, I am a Dunkin Donuts gal. During a normal week I will find myself lured to the pink and orange palace about 4-5 times. I do set limits for myself, there are no days when I go twice, unless I am going on behalf of someone else. I’m not a complete nutty addict afterall. A tab of iced teas and iced coffees sure can add up without you noticing, so I have developed a little strategy. My usualy script for ordering is: Medium toasted almond iced EXTRA light with skim and two Equal….could you make that a little lighter? Done, delicious. But like I said it adds up. So get to the point right? Now I order a large (or XL if I’m feeling feisty) toasted almond black, no add ins. This way I can bring it home, pour half in to another cup and add in all the milk and Equal I desire and half an iced coffee waiting for me tomorrow. Now I save an extra dollar and change in coffee expenses plus the gas that got me to and from DD in the first place. Consider the caffeinated part of the entry finished, now on to the driving.
I am not one to usually buy in to the “member discount cards” for random stores, because we all know they jack up the prices and then give a discount to card holders which really means the price is the normal price. Confusing? I think so. BUT, I am loving my Stop & Shop card lately. Recently S&S opened a new store with a gas station, but I wasn’t drawn to it. Then one day Mr. Gas Light comes on and I find myself pulling in to this new fangled gas station. Little did I know that when I use my S&S card, I get $.05 off each gallon. You pay $1.98, I pay $1.93, and guess what, it’s right next to a Dunkins. So I can go and get gas for cheaper than you (ha ha) and then go for my beverage of choice at DDs, all while saving money AND gas.
I didn’t find a cure for cancer or figure out how to get my dog to stop eating soap (any ideas?), but I did find a way to save money without any inconvenience and hopefully, this will help you too!!! And for all my DD obsessed friends out there, now you know how I order my coffee, so there is no excuse for you to show up empty handed! 
My name is Amanda and I own an iPhone
And that’s when you all say, out loud and in a monotone voice, “Hi Amanda.” Yes, it’s true, I broke down and got the best gadget since the iPod. For weeks, even months, I have been so far off the bandwagon of Apple adopters that I couldn’t even see, well, the bandwagon. Then came upgrade time. And just like a wad of cash in my pocket, the lure of an upgrade was eating at me. Who can resist something new and shiny? Not cockatoos and not me. For full disclosure I was convinced by the AT&T salesman (cha ching for Hector) to get the iPhone over the Samsung Impression.
I found the Impression online and thought it was cool: a slider plus a touch screen. Boy was I convinced by all the imagery on the website, that this was the phone for me. Then, I saw it in person. 1 word….cheesy. While I was giddy at the possibility that I would soon be getting a slider with a kickass display, I looked a little closer. The calendar, web browser and general feel didn’t stand up to all of the marketing….at all. The icons looked like they were designed by and made for a fifteen year old. And overall, the phone was for a teenager that texts like lightening, not a bells and whistles girl like myself. In the middle of my debating, all 3 minutes of it, Hector said “I think you are old enough for an iPhone.” While I didn’t exactly have a response for that, and was flattered and insulted all at once, he was right.
Switching from a BlackBerry I did sacrifice some itsy bitsy features that I have become accustomed to: Hotmail on the phone, a flash camera, copy & paste but so far so good. The second I walked over to the display, I was blinded by the light of the phone. OK so it was more the flourescent overhead lighting bouncing off of the glass screen and burning my cornea than an epiphany, but I am still rationalizing the purchase. I must say, now that I have had 24 hours to play with it, I am pleasantly surprised.
The keyboard isn’t as clumsy as I expected. It’s superfast. And all in all, it has done everything I have asked of it, which is basically download a couple apps and update my calendar. The battery life isn’t all that great and I am so terrified of dropping it sometimes I find myself coddling it like a kitten on my lap, but I think I’ll keep it. The true test is in a month when the shiny, new novelty has worn off and it is just a dumb old cell phone, will I still love it?
Boys will be boys
So yesterday I went to Worcester to visit my best friend and her family. Well we ended up taking her cousins out to lunch and that just turned into an adventure. But spending the day with 3 boys (16, 14, 10) really cemented my belief that the male species does not mature past 14.
Since I’m not creepy I don’t usually have the occasion to spend my time with random teenagers. And if I were creepy, my time would probably be taken up by appearances on the Maury Povich Show. It was an afternoon filled with fart jokes, actual farts, and Wii. Fast forward twenty years and spend some time with 3 guys and I’m guessing you will have a very similar afternoon, maybe with boob jokes instead of fart jokes. Let me give you a real life sample.
When I started work at my recent office, I was the only female in a company of 9. We were at lunch when one of the guys was being urged to tell a joke. Here is the joke: What type of bees make milk? Wait for it…wait for it….Boobies!! I should have run right there but decided to stick around for over 2 years. Let’s call it what it was…I worked in a nerdified frat house. Don’t get me wrong, it was HIGHLY entertaining, I just find it funny that spending the day with teenage boys made me think of my coworkers, almost all thrity-something MITers.
Basically, at least as I see it, men are just old boys that don’t hide their Playboys anymore, enjoy a good cloud of bodily odors and tell a joke just so they can say “boobies” out loud (and proceed to giggle hysterically). Betcha Darwin in all his evolutionary glory, never made that comparison!!
Google for Life???
Why is there no Google for every day things…like LIFE? Maybe I am too reliant upon Google as it is. I mean, whenever I need an answer I don’t think Oh I saw it in such-and-such a book..nope…I just think to Google it. So you may be thinking what has brought me to this technological rant? I lost my book.
I have been reading a book for a couple of days in one specific room (not for any specific reason), and it has disappeared. Since it is bigger than the kitten, I know she didn’t move it and the paper-eating dog hasn’t been in the room, but the book is still GONE. I’ve ransacked the room and the entire upstairs with no positive results. Although I did find a sock I have been looking for for months.
After declaring my mind completely lost along with the book, my next though (I swear) was I wish I could Google the location. Wouldn’t it be great when you lost something some magical search engine could help you find it? I haven’t really thought out if it would be a computer thing or a scream-into-the-sky-for-an-answer kind of thing, but I really want it. And Google has the market cornered on search already, why not expand in to a new dimension…the real world?
Now I am not completely insane, of course it would have a child lock so the kids won’t be able to find their Christmas presents or their dad’s special magazines. I mean have some common sense here people!! Now that I think of it, this could go the way of Bruce Almighty, where people search for money, lottery numbers, etc and the world would turn into chaos. Chaos..shmayos…at least I would be able to find my freaking book!!! It would be a great thing for crime too….Ask “Who killed JonBenet?” and somewhere a big neon arrow appears above someone’s head. Case closed. Plus, we will finally be able to see if Elvis is really dead or picking corn in Illinois.
Mr. Schmidt, if you have a minute, give me a call and we can talk about a plan for Google’s domination of reality. I would love to continue this but there are some men here trying to get me to try on a nice white jacket with too many straps…maybe they will help me find my book!
Just so you know, in the writing of this entry, I used Google 5 times. I think I need GAA (Google Addicts Anonymous)…STAT.
