One job I DON’T want…

Posted on August 21, 2010 by Amanda

Before you get all preachy saying I should take any job I am offered at this point, hold on.

While temping this morning I reached a lull in activity and my inquiring mind felt the need for stimulation.  So I reached for some reading material, namely the MSDS collection for all of the chemicals used on site.  For those of you who haven’t been lucky enough to have to read an MSDS (Material Data Safety Sheet), it is a multi page document that outlines various properties of a specific substance, usually of the hazardous variety.  Some of the items are: Handling and Storage, Health Effects, and First Aid Measures.

So I was a little taken aback when at the end of the Isopropyl Alchohol MSDS I found a “Taste” descriptor.  Huh? Who is the poor schmuck that had to taste Rubbing Alcohol and decide it has a taste that one would describe as “Bitter (slight)”?  And in order to get the slight rating were there multiple tastings?  Is it a swish and spit technique like in a wine tasting class or is it more of the tip of the tongue technique like the cops do to see if a powdery substance is coke? 

Of course there is always some worst job out there (namely ANYTHING on Dirty Jobs) but I’m thinking of a position like the one this guy holds.  Maybe he should take a swig of Isopropanol at the end of the day….

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How’s it hanging?

Posted on August 19, 2010 by Amanda

If any of you answered “a little to the left,” give yourself a dope slap. Now let’s move on….

How many of you reading this have something hanging from your rear-view mirror? Raise your hands. (If you actually raised your hand, proceed with another dope slap). I’m guessing that a majority of you have some personal totem dangling when you drive, I do too. Who thought this up is my question? Did they find the view from their windshield extremely disappointing so they felt the need to “spruce” it up? Or maybe the sight of children chasing balls in to the street or a dumb pedestrian jaywalking wasn’t distracting enough so they needed something else moving (and sometimes sparkling) in their peripheral vision…who knows?

I do get a kick out of some of the items though. The Russian Roulette of all items being the HIGHLY reflective CD. On a sunny day these drivers risk blinding themselves or another driver when sunbeam meets the spinning mirrored surface. Smart. Why don’t we just hang a mini-lighthouse from the mirror so at least you can predict when you will be blinded?

If you know any “old Italians” then you have seen the hanging crucifix. Somehow I don’t think there is much protection in the cheap plastic Jesus beads you can get at Oriental Trading and this particular trinket isn’t going to ward off theives either, but who am I to judge. Each “group” seems to have their own quirky adornment. Italians (depending on age) have the crucifix or some kind of gorno. Puerto Ricans have something with the PR flag on it. Buddhists have some type of prayer flag or happy Buddha. Indians have the scented crown (maybe that’s just taxi drivers in general). Asians usually hang something red and gold that has at least one tassle on it. Women between 17-25 can range from a plastic lei (they don’t even remember it’s origination) to a bff/bfs picture to something saying “Diva” or “Princess.” Men usually just have the plain ol scented tree. Then there are the handicapped that are the worst of all with that HUGE and hideous plastic plaquard that shares reflective properites with the CD (I can say that, because I’m related to handicapped people…that’s the rule right?).

As for me, I have a dolphin that goes from clear to purple in UV light (from the aforementioned handicapped I might add) and a silver dangly thing with little charms on it. I guess that puts me in the 25-30 range, keychains or stuff from kids (which in my case are canine).

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Where are the curvy gals?

Posted on August 6, 2010 by Amanda

For any of you who know me, you are aware that I am no size 6.  That being said I am far from being a 24W.  Let’s just say for argument’s sake, I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds but there isn’t anything hanging out where it shouldn’t be.  But, I am a woman and I have yet to meet another female that thinks they look fabulous in a bathing suit!  I’m pretty sure that there is no woman in existence that yearns to go try on bathing suits.  Because let’s face it, with the speed that seasons change in department stores, you need to be trying on suits in December.  That’s right, we are forced to try on skin tight, neon colored contraptions when we are at our palest and flabbiest. Nonetheless we try to convince ourselves we need to look like Bo Derek “running” in 10.  yeah, uh huh, sure.

So it’s kind of fabulous that suits exist out there that tuck in and suck in parts of us we may not be so proud of.  Spiegel sells a line of clothes and swimwear by ShapeFX, and they are fabulous, kind of. You would think that Spiegel would think that their ShapeFX consumers are smart, but one look at their website shows how gullible we can be.  All of the “control” suits are modeled by women who weigh 125 on a bad day, with PMS, soaking wet.  OF COURSE they are going to look good in a swimsuit,  you are basically wrapping a skeleton in spandex…no lumps or bumps there. Where are the models that resemble “real” women that can suffer from Muffin-topitis and BackFat-erosis?  I’ll tell you….NOT in Speigel.

Because I was sick of suits that made me look like a bottom heavy pear, I started looking for something more, as I put it, sucky-inny. I purchased one of these suits and I love it!  It is cute, adorable and you burn off about 100 calories just trying to get in the thing, but you don’t feel like a beached whale.  You can move on the beach and not feel like you resemble Homer Simpson on a trampoline and no one has any idea that it’s made with “power mesh.”  [As an aside, I would think they could think up a description better than "power mesh" because to me that sounds like some kind of construction element....the concrete is reinforced with power mesh.]  Anyway, I’m just annoyed that for some reason they can’t find chubby models for their layouts or they just don’t care to because the women in their ads are DEFinitely not the average size 14! Phew, I’m done now.

my suit

By the way, here is my suit on someone who needs to eat a burger!

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“We don’t skinny dip…

Posted on August 3, 2010 by Amanda

…we chunky dunk” is one of my favorite sayings and is also a good way to start off this entry.

Since I have been considered one of the guys by almost every male friend I have ever known on top of my last company being all male except yours truly, not many topics surprise me. Everything has been talked about at one time or another: rashes to odors to “conquests of yore”. I believe one of the favorites was the reverse cowgirl, but that is a whole other story.

So color me shocked the other day when a topic was on tv that I had yet to even imagine. I am ashamed to admit that I had the Tyra show on in the background as I was playing darts and thanks to her my corneas are seared. So the main topic was “love and sex” or something on that path, which I thought was totally normal for a topic for a supermodels talk show. They covered the replacement hymen, transgender surgery and then….crushing.

The first thing that probably sprung to mind was a crush in the sense of “gee he is sure dreamy” and picturing your wedding. I WISH that was the topic.
The story was of a man, about 5′ 6″ and 150, and his wife, about 5′ 8″ and 450. It turns out that the hubby love when the missus “crushes” him by any means. And those means are her sitting on him, falling on him, and/or jumping up to land on him. Awesome, whatever you do in your private time is your business. Too bad they didn’t keep it private.

They were so uh proud (?) of their method of foreplay that they provided a tap of their fav act. That’s right kids, visual evidence of the man being crushed by his wife, in bed, in small clothes (she had on a sports bra and shorts and I really couldn’t see much of him). Not once mind you, but the producers showed it 8 times. And yes I watched because I was intrigued by two things: how proud she was of her body and how he was still alive and not paralyzed.

Am I being judgmental, sure. Do I care? No. But I can’t help but think of the whale that jumped and landed on the boat and snapped the steel mast….

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Seriously Apple, do you need MORE money?

Posted on July 24, 2010 by Amanda

If you are a Droid person of an iPhone person, I don’t care but you will probably agree with me and my bone to pick with Apple.

I understand that out there in the world today there are millions of college kids with nothing better to do than download and share pirated music which in turns costs the millionaire bands/singers to lose money (boo hoo for them).  If a company decides to do something about it, fab-oo, but Apple is just doing the opposite.  In my view, they are GIVING people a reason to download illegally (please don’t sue me for that statement).

First example, in the middle of a “recession” they decide Steve Jobs needs a new stash of sneakers so they raise the price of a song on iTunes from $.99 to $1.29.  For even the law abiding college students this must have caused a few to go to the “dark side.”  If you think about it $1.29 is at least a load of laundry (or, realistically, a couple cheap beers) and what college kid doesn’t need their share of clean underwear (aka beer).

My newest discovery which inspired today’s rant is that you can only make iTunes out of songs purchased from said music player.  Why does this piss me off you may ask?  Well, being the law abiding citizen that I am, I have purchased my share of CDs (real legal ones) numbering in the many, many…tens.   And I’m pretty sure that when I coughed up the $14.99 for the CD that cost $.01 cents to make, I get rights to the music to some extent.  I’m not going to use a song from the CD for the opening credits of a blockbuster or play it as my theme song (which would NOT be Baracuda), I simply want to load it on to my APPLE iPod or my APPLE iPhone or my APPLE iMac to enjoy.  But the second I try to make a ringtone (for my APPLE iPHONE) out of the music from the PURCHASED CD, iTunes tells me that it can’t be done because it wasn’t purchased through iTunes.  Really Steve?  Really?

With all of the computer nerds out there you think someone would have written some hidden code that could be embedded in to REAL CDs so that when someone uploads them to a music player the songs act like 16.5 year olds caught in the act and scream “We’re legal.”  But why would they do something normal, fair and common sensical as that?  Because obviously Steve Wozniak needs new streamers for his Segway.

This might have been altered

"WHhhheeeee"

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Things that annoy me: automotive edition

Posted on July 8, 2010 by Amanda

I have spent a lot of time on highways lately and have picked up on a couple of things that get my goose.

1. This car climbed Mt. Washington bumper sticker

When I was growing up it was common practice to see this form of laminated graffiti on the junkiest of junk boxes passing for cars. It was a way for the driver to show that they knew that at any minute their car could fall apart but yet it could still triumph a force of nature. Perhaps the sticker was holding a vital piece of car to the frame Back then you would never see such a thing on any car made within the last 10 years. But lately I have only seen the stickers on newer, shiny, highly capable cars. These autos have no right to brag about their skills to climb the fabled Mount. Some of the models probably even have some kind of auto pilot that operates the car while the driver sits back and enjoys the soundtrack the rangers provide. Perhaps it is a city mouse’s way of saying “see I saw nature once and the proof is on my bumper!!”

2. Baby on board suction cup signs
Why do these people find the need to advertise their ability to procreate? Do they really think that having this novelty on their window will make people drive any differently? If anything it is just publicizing the reason why their driving is atrocious and it gives me a reason to pass you at the first chance I get!

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This one’s for the guys…

Posted on June 19, 2010 by Amanda

Men always go on and on and on about how they don’t understand women and women always go on and on and on about….shopping.  I totally admit that we XX folk are enigmas, no denying that.  We could tell you our secrets or show you our handbook, but what fun would there be in that?!  As with any species, there are variations among gender.  For example with males, there are metros, the guy’s guy, the sports nut, the Mr. Fix It, the Bad Boy, etc and at some point every guy thinks he is every one of those examples.  But there is one thing that I have never been able to figure out…

Why do men ALWAYS get out of the car when they are at a gas station!?  So I have some theories:

  1. Their backs are screwed up because one of their butt cheeks is propped up by a file cabinet (aka wallet) and they need to stretch it out.
  2. They are hoping that the “new mechanic” will turn out to be this girl and they are just showing their manners.
  3. Their windows don’t roll down and they have gas.
  4. Or you could go the whole showing dominance over the pump jockey route (because you are bigger, stronger and more manly even though you are driving your wife’s VW bug)

I’m just really hoping that evolution doesn’t bring this habit to the point where men get out and pee on their car to show it’s theirs.  You’ll understand once you watch this…

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The way my mind works…

Posted on June 13, 2010 by Amanda

By now you have probably read at least ONE of my entries, so you know how my mind works in a very unusual way.  That being said, I’m delighted you came back for a second helping. Today is a short one, so that you will have plenty of time to ponder the genius that is my thought process!

I shall spare you the mental stream that led to this post, just go with it.

If whites hate non-whites they are racists.

If brunettes hate blonds, are they hair colorists?

If those who wear clothes truly hate those who are “clothing optional”, are the haters nudists?

I hate the gym, so that automatically makes me a gymnist (see that play on the word right there?….GENIUS)!

Now please go forth and ponder……me!

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I have reached THAT age

Posted on June 4, 2010 by Amanda

THAT age, you know what age I am talking about. It’s not numerical, so any of you who guessed I am turning 30: 1)you are wrong and 2) I am unfriending you.  THAT age is a time in a young woman’s life that the following happens:

  • all of your friends become realllllly fertile and pop out kids like it’s the new trendy thing
  • everyone you know is either VERY lucky in love (aka married) or extremely bitter
  • you start getting the “so sad” looks when someone asks if you have a boyfriend and you say that you are single
  • you start looking at “careers” instead of “jobs”
  • when in the grocery store you actually look at the brand and compare prices
  • you talk to your neighbors about the little “twits” causing trouble in the neighborhood. Those “twits” are really 10-12 years old
  • when the kids you once babysat for have graduated college
  • you realize that kids born today will NEVER know what a cassette is

So yes, I am at THAT age, when you realize:

  • everyone was right when they said college goes by “wayyyy too fast”
  • that it is OK to live with your parents because you realize free rent is the best rent
  • I would MUCH rather have pets than kids
  • that you can quote from Thundercats, Care Bears, and Saved by the Bell and laugh and feel superior when the “twits” don’t know what you are talking about

and finally…

  • you use quotations marks any chance you can get!
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British names are fun to laugh at

Posted on May 12, 2010 by Amanda

Names are funny.  Who hasn’t heard the urban legend that a woman who just gave birth to twins didn’t have any ideas for names so she called them OrangeJello and LemonJello…uh huh sure and I’m about to grow wings.  Yesterday on Millionaire, the player was Skip Fillers which sounds more like a motto for a hot dog company than a “singing interior designer.” But nonetheless whenever we hear a funny name we always giggle to ourselves.  So this week when I started my temp job, for a Japanese company I thought I was going to be in for a tongue twister or two.  Come to find out that there is another gentleman that has a name which is common in his homeland of England, but elicits giggles here in America.  So please enjoy the following story, followed by my point.

My day started off with a request to page John, giggle giggle.  Little did I know that my day would be filled by bumping in to John or calling John, because it turns out John is very talented.  John has a British accent and is very sneaky.  All of a sudden John has the tendency to be behind you and you would never know it.  Besides the ninja skills, John is very nice and oddly quiet.  Last night I almost closed the door on John as I was leaving, boy would that have hurt!

Now replace John with Hiscock and reread the story…giggle giggle

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